"You have more kindness in your little finger than most people posess in their whole bodies"

I have so much to write about! Way too much for the time I want to spend, so this is going to briefly touch on many things without telling the whole story.

Let's rewind to last summer when I watched the new Cinderella for the first time.


In this movie, Cinderella's mother tells her to always "Have courage and be kind."
This stressed me out so much. I felt like I could never be kind enough.
There would always be another lonely person in the corner I hadn't talked to, there would always be another hungry person in the world I hadn't helped.
I could never be courageous enough; there would always be another brave thing I hadn't had the guts to say.
Without courage and kindness I was essentially worthless;
I could never be a fascinating beauty beloved by all like Cinderella.
I gritted my teeth, "If only I could be courageous enough and kind enough."

Thoughts like that had eaten me up inside since I was about 13. My attempts to be good and self-sacrificing led to all sorts of mishaps. From being anorexic when I was 17 to hollowing out and killing what might have been awesome relationships when I was 19 to not being able to be happy without knowing I was the world to a man.

Be conscientious, but don't stop living! Sometimes you just have to stop thinking about it! There is plenty you can do to help out of inspiration and love after you have taken care of yourself mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally.

I am happy to report that the past summer has been the happiest of my life! I finally figured out how to fight some of my demons and life has been good. It has been so so good.
As I joked with friends last fall, "0-20 was a bad year"
But 20 to 120 will be a good year!
And the funny thing is, that I have been serving way more now than I ever did then. I have the energy, inspiration and will to help! I have a purpose now; before, everything felt pointless and like a black hole of meaning.

I can't miss this opportunity to testify of Christ and His redeeming power! He has carried the burdens of the world so we don't have to!
I can't tell you the feeling I have when I look at this painting. What perfect rest! What unsupposed hope! Look at the face of the kneeling man on the right; that is my face of sheer relief as I feel the healing balm of Christ's redeeming love and grace.

 

Here are some principles that have been clinchers for me:

"Many [people] get exasperated and angry at themselves for being less virtuous than they had hoped. This attitude is comparable to pouring pickle juice on a finger paper cut, or fanning blazing flames. The natural man cannot be put off with more of his own foibles. Only light overcomes darkness"- Gwenaelle Couliard

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less" - Rick Warren