Coming to Self Understanding

This morning I woke up and I could all of the sudden see a tactic of the adversary I had never seen before. Last night I thought about my new desire to obey with exactness. I thought about visiting teaching and the girl who said she was transferring to the family ward, but was she actually? The thought of awkward, forced texts ran me over and suddenly instead of feeling so loved, burden free and of great worth, I felt attacked and torn by conscience. Then all of my chess moves in the game I was playing with Calista weren't good enough. They were mocked and ripped apart and life felt like an irredeemable weight. I just wanted to go to bed and get away from the heaviness of all I needed to do and wouldn't do.
This morning I woke up and felt this giant weight on my shoulders, hole in my heart, and frantic hustling in my mind. Can I watch a show? Eat ice cream? Snuggle with a boy? Have a boyfriend? Be married? Hang out with the right people?
There was a clamoring loneliness and shame in my heart that I wanted to comfort and an oppressive weight on my shoulders that I wanted to distract myself from.

And that, friends is why I've had so many boyfriends and still been miserable.
That's why I struggle so much with 14 credits.
That's why Rexburg turns from DisneyLand to doldrums.

It's as if here I am, holding hands with God, taking delight in every little joy of life and sharing goodness with others.
And then slam! I'm on the ground. God is some oppressive, scary force, far away and my burdens feel infinite, life cruel and happiness a lost dream.